The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
