The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
