mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
