i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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