Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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