my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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