I accidentally burped into my bong.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
