shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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