My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You pole danced in your parka.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
