I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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