I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
