Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
