He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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