There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
