Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
