Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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