i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
