shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
