Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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