we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
