Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Randomize
