so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
