Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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