I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
