I will die if light touches me.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
