You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
