I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
