does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
