woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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