just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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