my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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