I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
