I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I deserve this hangover.
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