How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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