Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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