so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
