Pappa wants mamma naked
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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