If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
this boner is exhausting
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
