never play flip cup with pint glasses
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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