I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
