the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
