Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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