Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
