I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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