It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
