billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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