I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
