I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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