two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
