Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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